Emotional only when it strikes me that my Ah Ma is no longer around.
Or when I got reminded of her unconditional love, even for her grandchildren.
Somehow, I kept having the feeling that she is still alive.
It is probably because she left me with just beautiful memories as I did not get to attend her wake.
Not sure if it is a good or bad thing; - I feel, at least I wont get haunted at the sight of her getting pushed into the chamber.
It would have been heart wrenching.
I cried even when I see those whom arent that close to me getting cremated so I really can't imagine how I would have reacted since I love my Ah Ma alot.
Of course, if I had a choice I would want to send her off.
Even though I was not physically there, I am glad to have the updates from my sisters and cousins.
One of my cousins even told me what happened during her last few moments when she was still alive; and it really breaks my heart. I am really grateful for your time in letting me know as I am not clueless to what have had happened.
When she was pulseless (clinical death), my cousin did CPR for her but stopped at the 3rd time as he did not want to prolong her pain. It was a painful decision but her cancer was already at the last stage and she was not about to go for chemotherapy.
When they told her to rest in peace, she actually teared; witnessed by my aunts and even my second sis.
Apparently, even when you are declared clinical death, your organs will not fail all at once. Instead, it will start to stop functioning one by one before you get to bio death.
So, you can actually still hear even from the cessation of the normal circulation, thus explaining her tears.
My Ah Ma was a very strong woman who stubbornly refused to admit that she was in pain. She has secretly been MASSIVELY applying those medicated oil and it burnt her skin.
(Ah Ma had colon cancer in which spreads to her liver and apparently to her brain too during the last few moments.)
Oh well, memories. :(
Anyway because of her departure, my two sisters, some of my cousins (so far I only know of one who is doing that, I think!) and of course, myself are going vegan on 初一 & 初一十五.
P.S. On a happier note, my dear friend, Sophieeee travelled all the way from the city to my place just to pass me some yummy macarons (she knows I love it!) just to cheer me up! She wanted to surprise me (sort of failed but it's ok because I was very very touched by that sweet gesture.)